“Wow! And this whole time I thought you were a b***h!”
That is an actual thing someone said to me, sober, not in jest, but in a shocked realization. I did my best to give a genuine smile and nod, and said, “Well. Ya can’t believe everything you hear, you know?”
Let’s talk about this. Let’s talk about getting to know someone, someone who you had preconceived notions about because a friend or an acquaintance spun your head with their version of things. I’m positive you know someone who you’ve heard an earful about and, given the fact that that is ALL you ever heard about them, you may have given a surprised look and a clicking of your tongue at the horror of it all. I’m guilty of this myself.
If you are reading this and we know each other through social media or maybe from 20 years ago, chances are, I’ve done this about you. I’m not proud to admit that, but since we’re being real here... I’ll use my best friend (a.k.a. “the wife) Kristen as an example. I hated her. I truly thought I did, based on some things an EX had to say. I know, I know. But in my defense, this was approximately 10 years ago. I’ve grown since then, or at least I’d like to think I have. Once I spent some REAL time with her, I saw with complete shame (and relief) that I was very wrong to think that she was the pariah I thought she was. I’m in love with her. She’s one of my persons. She has the kindest, most compassionate heart of just about anyone I know. I was wrong for being so quick to tell her story before she had a chance to. And furthermore, I didn’t need to hear her story. I should have found our own story before judging her.
It’s so easy to get with your friends and talk about someone that isn’t there to defend themselves. It’s kind of how we are as human beings. It takes re-training the brain to start walking away from such conversations, or at least tune them out. No one is who they were years ago, or decades ago. Are you the same person you were when you were 15? 20? 28? 35? I know I’m not. Could be that we were certainly not contributing positively to the energy in the world at that time, and perhaps some of our actions hurt others, maybe even people we know on a mutual basis. It’s quite possible that we each had our own things going on at that time that maybe held us captive to our own detriment.
There is a time for venting and confiding our hurts and our injustices to our close friends, but even this I think should be done with care. It’s good to talk about our feelings and acknowledge our anger or disappointments in people who truly did things that have caused emotional trauma or unpleasant moments in our lives. But HOW do we do this? Is there a way to do this and not demand that the people we confide in tailor their opinions to mirror ours? Letting people be who they are and still be entitled to their own emotions and thoughts is another learned skill. It takes so much confidence in ourselves to be free like that. Friends- let us be that free and let us be that kind to others.
Sometimes I see on social media that I have friends who are friends with people who have wronged me or my loved ones at one time. I feel the initial sting of betrayal, but then I have to remind myself that the very people who have affected me negatively, perhaps affected a friend or acquaintance of mine POSTIVELY. As humans, we are like chemicals. Some just don’t mix, and others seem to enhance the productivity of the other chemical creating something new and unique and of good use. Our own individual experiences with someone may not be on par with the experiences others have had with them. This is a continuous annoyance of mine. I’m not going to lie, I have to constantly remind myself that I need to watch my own bobber.
This made me ask the question: “What would happen if human beings just were kind to each other, regardless of the rumor mill?” Seriously. What would happen if we gave each other the benefit of the doubt? Would we have more real people in our lives? I do not know, but I DO know that if we feed into the hatred and pettiness and if we believe everything we hear about someone, we are only putting negative energy out in the world for others to absorb. In most, but not all cases, there are two sides to every story.
Let me take a moment to be clear on something. Sometimes, people truly are hateful, spiteful, cruel, they are liars and hypocrites. Sometimes they are an empty shell of horribleness. Sometimes the wrong they have done us is not up for interpretation. Sometimes it’s just wrong. I know a few people that would fall into this category, and when I see people I know and like that are “friends” with them, I often worry that they will hear the wrong version of things. The version that is made up to make the mortal enemy look completely innocent. It is then that I have to remind myself that I know the truth. If I am comfortable with my decisions, I cannot worry about what someone else may be interpreting as my truth. I have faith in the fact that one day all secrets will be declared for all to hear, including my own, and in the end, I do believe justice will prevail in some shape or form. The people who truly know me, know my truth. This is my wish for each of you- that you become so confident in your choices, that you can be happy with who you are, and not who others may think you are.
How do we get there? The answer is actually pretty simple! WE DO WHAT IS RIGHT. It’s so much easier to live with ourselves when we do the right thing in any given situation. It takes no lies to cover up, it takes no remembering those lies, it takes only bravery and a cool head. It’s hard to go after someone who has done the right thing in any situation, wouldn’t you agree?
I’m going to try a new thing this year as part of my New Year’s Resolution. No, it’s not about losing X amount of weight or whatever, it’s about being a good human. This year, I am going to try and be less quick to judge someone I don’t know based on the opinions of my friends or acquaintances. If I haven’t gotten to know someone personally, I think they deserve a clean, if not somewhat cautious new slate. It is my hope that those of you who don’t know someone personally will do the same thing.
There is a certain someone who made my life rather miserable for a few years. That was over 10 years ago. Chances are, they are not the person they were. Chances are, they have experienced more living and growing, just like I have. Chances are, they have turned into someone kind and caring, and maybe that deserves an atta-girl and fresh effort. Chances are, they are still a miserable and horrible person, but this time, instead of categorizing them, I should instead consider the fact that they have things going on that have hindered any real growth, and in that instance, they deserve my understanding. Or I at least need to learn to keep my mouth shut about them.
Maybe I’m a dreamer, and envision all of us taking the time to work on being kinder people, and then wouldn’t “the world be as one?” It starts with you. It starts with me. I truly believe this. This is not to say I won’t have slip ups. I still find myself rolling my eyes with the best of them and sometimes I find myself saying catty things about people. Yet, I know that I’m a work in progress. It’s never too late to be a better human, especially in today’s environment where we are influenced by politics and the right or left trying so hard to be winners that they don’t take time to actually consider what they are saying!
Is it so hard to stop posting sarcastically? And by this, I don’t mean in fun jest, because I like a good burn every now and then, but in real disdain for people who may believe differently than us? (Excluding those that believe that hurting other humans is the right thing to do.) Is it so hard to give a stranger a smile or a compliment? Is it so hard to take one person on your social media “friends” list and reconsider them for a moment? Is it so difficult to pause before you hit that “post” button, and rethink your actions? Are we choosing to make the world a better place, or are we contributing to the division that is so rampant?
What if every single person who read this blog, made this their New Year’s Resolution: I Will Strive to Be a Kinder, Better Human Being.
What if?
I leave you with these lyrics from Heal the World by Michael Jackson:
There's a place in your heart
And I know that it is love
And this place could be much
Brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try
You'll find there's no need to cry
In this place you'll feel
There's no hurt or sorrow
There are ways to get there
If you care enough for the living
Make a little space
Make a better place
Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make it a better place
For you and for me
If you want to know why
There's love that cannot lie
Love is strong
It only cares of joyful giving
If we try we shall see
In this bliss we cannot feel
Fear of dread
We stop existing and start living
Then it feels that always
Love's enough for us growing
So make a better world
Make a better place
Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me
And the dream we were conceived in
Will reveal a joyful face
And the world we once believed in
Will shine again in grace
Then why do we keep strangling life
Wound this earth, crucify its soul
Though it's plain to see
This world is heavenly
Be God's glow
We could fly so high
Let our spirits never die
In my heart I feel you are all my brothers
Create a world with no fear
Together we cry happy tears
See the nations turn their swords into plowshares
We could really get there
If you cared enough for the living
Make a little space
To make a better place
Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me
You and for me